Marriage Humour

Wife:        'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'

Wife:       'Nothing...?  You've been reading our
              marriage   certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife :      'Do you want dinner?'  

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'  

Wife:      'Yes or no.'      

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Wife:      'You always carry my photo in your
             wallet..  Why?'

Husband: 'When there is a problem, no matter
              how great, I look at your picture and
              the problem disappears.'  

Wife:        'You see how miraculous and powerful
             I am for you?'

Husband: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself
             what other problem can there be
             greater than this one?'  

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----  

Stress Reliever

Girl:          'When we get married, I want to share
             all your worries, troubles and lighten
             your burden.'  

       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I
             don't have any worries or troubles.'  

Girl:         'Well that's because we aren't married
            yet.'

------------ --------- ---------

Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad
            this morning, he told me to give up my
            seat to a lady.'  

Mom:     'Well, you have done the right thing..'  

Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's
           lap.'  

____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----  

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'  

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'    

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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when
his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

How would you define love?

"When you fall in-love, it is a temporary madness.  It erupts like an earthquake and then it subsides.  And when it subsides, you have to make a decision..........you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should be apart..........because that is what love is.  Love is not breathlessness...........it is not excitement...........it is not a desire to make every second of the day, to lie awake at night imagining that every part of your body is being kissed.  That's just being in-love.........which any of us can convince ourselves.  Love itself is what is left-over when being in-love has burned away."  ("Captain Corelli's Mandolin", novel by Louis De Bierneres)    

The Husband's Wish
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.  He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.  
Then it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.  Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.  
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

 Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.
 Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
 Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
 
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 GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
 BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
 GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, Magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
 BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama Ko kanina ang niloloko ko!
 
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 Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
 Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
 Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?
 
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 A lizard fell on a table.
 Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
 Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
 Astig: s*%$, butiki!;
 Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
 Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
 Mahirap: Pare, ulam!
 
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 Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
 Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
 Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
 Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!
 
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Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo, fit masyado, di ba?
 
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 Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!
 Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?
 Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!
 
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Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula ngayon, huwag mo na akong
tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.
 
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 Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
 Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
 Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!
 
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 Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle
 Ice Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"
 
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 A priest at a church.
 Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
 Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
 
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 Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
 Takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
 Juan: Maniwala ako?!
 Pedro: Totoo!
 Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
 Pedro: Asin!
 
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 Nurse: Miss, gising na!
 Patient: Ah, bakit?
 Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
 Patient: Anong gamot?
 Nurse: Sleeping pills.
 
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 Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.
 Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.
 Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.
 Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!
 
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 Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
 Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
 Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
 Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!>
 
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 Erap at Starbucks.
 Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
 Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
 Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
 Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!
 
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Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni Mama   Mary.
Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!
 
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 Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
 Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
 Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!
 
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 Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
 Inay: Bakit naman?
 Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
 Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
 Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?
 
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 Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!
 
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 TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
 SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
 TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!
 
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 Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.
 Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.
 
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 Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
 Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
 Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
 Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!
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 May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!
 
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Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote ng juice.
Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

Warning: Patnubay ng magulang ay kailangan.
 
TITSER:  ang pangit naman ng name mo. Conrado Domingo!
                    in short CONDOM!
PUPIL:    Ok lang po yun Maam! Kaysa naman po sa asawa
                    niyo.  Supremo Potenciano!  In short SUPOT! 

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MOKONG:    Andoy, balita ko hiwalay na kayo ng gf mo? 
ANDOY:      Oo pare,pakiramdam ko balak maging Astronaut eh.
MOKONG:    Pano mo naman nasabi?
ANDOY:    Kasi lagi niyang sinasabi... I NEED SPACE! 
 
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 A lady was married 3 times, was widowed 3 times and had 30  kids. At her wake....
PRIEST:   At last they're finally together.
FRIEND:   With which husband father?
PRIEST:    Uh, i mean her LEGS! 
 
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ANAK:    'tay, totoo po bang may multo?
TATAY:  anak, walang multo, kathang isip lang mga yan. Eh
                         bakit mo naman naitanong?
ANAK:    sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo.
TATAY:    anak, langya ka lumapit ka dito sa tabi ko. Huwag
                          kang magbibiro ng ganyan.........ala tayong yaya. (ahoooo!)

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Mga pagbabago...
      Noon, pag maganda ligawan mo na agad,
      Ngayon, pag maganda titigan mo muna maigi baka bakla,
      Noon, konti lang ang lalaking guwapo,
      Ngayon, konting guwapo lang ang tunay na lalaki,
      Noon, pag guwapo babaero,
      Ngayon, pati mga panget babaero na din! (putris)
 
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Court scene...
      LAWYER 1:  You idiot, @$$ho!e!
      LAWYER 2:    Tanga ka, gago!
      JUDGE:  As both parties have been properly identified, we may now proceed with
                             the case!  (tok tok)

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LOLO:   Hay buhay. Noong araw sa SM pay may P20 ako, pag uwi ko meron akong polo,
                    maong, brip, tshirt, panyo, medyas, may sinturon pa.
APO:   Eh ngayon po lolo?
LOLO:   Mahirap na apo, may surveillance camera na SM!
                   (haay, very depressing )
               
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GIRL:  Pa'no ko po ba malalaman kung sex maniac ako?
DOC:   Ay madali lang yan iha,  May mga test tayong  gagawin pero una sa lahat.
              Bitiwan mo muna ang !t1og ko kasi nakikiliti ako eh.

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The Philippines is over populated because:
          --  ayaw ng birth control
          -- walang death penalty
          --  dami jobless kaya babad kama
           --  dami lasing kaya lahat ng misis maganda. (sus kaya pala)
 
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Anak galing sa school.
  ANAK:  'Tay, kasali po ako sa aming school drama. Ang role
                                ko po ay "husband".
   TATAY:  Malas mo naman, anak. Wala kang speaking part.
                               (mahaba na ang yes dear)
 
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GF:   Uy taguan tayo.
BF:    Sige ba! Ano premyo ko pag nahanap kita?
GF:   Hi hi hi. Sex tayo.
BF:     Uy, wow! Eh pano pag di kita nahanap?
GF:   Eeeeii! Kainis 'to. Basta nasa likod lang ako ng drum.
 
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HOLDAPER:  Akina ang pera mo!
LALAKI:    Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?  Congressman ako!!
HOLDAPER:  O sige. akina ang pera namin!
 
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DIVORCED FATHER:   Anak pag uwi mo ibigay mo sa nanay mo
                     itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 ka na.  Huling cheke
                         na makukuha niya for the child support tapos tignan mo kung ano
                              expression ng face niya.
ANAK:   Mommy, sabi ni dad bigay ko  daw sa iyo itong cheke, last support na
                         Niya ito sa akin kasi 18 na ko. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng
                                      face mo.
MOMMY:   Anak, sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta
                        kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tingnan mo expression face niya.     
                                    (aray!)
 
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LOLA:   Ineng, may manliligaw ka na ba?
APO:    Marami na po sila Lola.
LOLA:     Aba eh, may napipisil ka na ba sa kanila Ineng?
APO:   T!t! pa lang po nila Lola, ayaw po ipapisil yung !t1og nila, masakit daw.
 
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Boy:   Dear, before we get married I want you to know that my d!(k is like an infant.
Girl:     Ok lang. I still love you kahit ganyan iyan. (very sympathetic and
                   naka embrace pa)
 
 During their honeymoon.
 
Girl:   'Naaay ko pong mahabagin susmaryosep!  tatay ko!  Anlaki!
                  Akala ko ba parang infant?
Boy:    Parang infant nga. 8lbs, 3oz, 12 inches. (katakot o kasarap?)
 
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 Pasosyal na girl sa bus.
    GIRL:   Mameng kowndakter, can u meyk get my  luggage pleeasee?
                    It's medjow sow heyvee keysi.
    KONDUKTOR:    Alin dito Miss?
    GIRL:    Uhmm.. dat wan ober deyr oh, The  SAKO!
 
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 Sa confessional box.
    SEXY:   Father, kasalanan ba ang di pag suot ng panty?
    FR:   Of course lalo na pag naka skirt lang
                        ang isang babae.
    SEXY:     Pano po yan, wala akong suot na panty
                               ngayon naka mini pa ako?
    FR:   Ah Uhrrm uhrmm!  For your penance,
                   magtambling ka ng 10x papuntang altar,  mag headstand ka ng
                        10 minutes, tapos babasbasan kita ng holy water ko!
                          (Amen!)
 
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 MAG ASAWANG NAG AAWAY.
         BABAE:   Punyeta ka!
         LALAKI:      Punyeta ka din!
         BABAE:   Tarantado!
         LALAKI:      Tarantado ka rin!
         BABAE:    SUPOT!
        LALAKI:       Sorry na kasi..
 
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Restorant sa Ongpin.
      Customer 1:    Hot tea
       Customer 2:    Ako rin hot tea ha. Make sure malinis baso ha.
 
After a while.
       Waiter:    Ang order niyo 2 hot tea. Kanino nga yung malinis ang baso? (Eeew!)
 
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Reporter:    what's the world's no. 1 shampoo?
Pacquiao:      HIDDEN SOLDIERS (head and shoulders)
 
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 NOON.........
           "Hindi lahat ng magsyota naghahalikan"
 
NGAYON.........
             "Hindi lahat ng naghahalikan magsyota"
 
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 A burglar broke into Malacanang & into the room of GMA
 & FG.. The First Couple froze in silence. Suddenly, the
 burglar panicked and ran away screaming......... "MAGNANAKAW,
 MAGNANAKAW!!"