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Topics - devildawg

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1
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Medical Joke
« on: September 05, 2010, 08:44:17 pm »
Medical Joke

 I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. This one should get First prize....

Look at the picture and then Read below the picture.
 
 
 
  I e-mailed it to my Chinese who's also a doctor friend, he  e-mailed back: "If the light stay on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician."  ;D ;D ;) :) 8)

2
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Marriage Humour
« on: August 01, 2010, 06:50:04 pm »
Marriage Humour

Wife:        'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'

Wife:       'Nothing...?  You've been reading our
              marriage   certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------ --------- --------- -

Wife :      'Do you want dinner?'  

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'  

Wife:      'Yes or no.'      

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

Wife:      'You always carry my photo in your
             wallet..  Why?'

Husband: 'When there is a problem, no matter
              how great, I look at your picture and
              the problem disappears.'  

Wife:        'You see how miraculous and powerful
             I am for you?'

Husband:
'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself
             what other problem can there be
             greater than this one?'  

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----  

Stress Reliever

Girl:          'When we get married, I want to share
             all your worries, troubles and lighten
             your burden.'  

       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I
             don't have any worries or troubles.'  

Girl:         'Well that's because we aren't married
            yet.'

------------ --------- ---------


Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad
            this morning, he told me to give up my
            seat to a lady.'  

Mom:     'Well, you have done the right thing..'  

Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's
           lap.'  

____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----  

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'  

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'    

-----------------------------------------------------------



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when
his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 ;D ;) :) 8)

3
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Sex in the Dark
« on: July 31, 2010, 07:12:09 pm »
Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'  :o :o ;D ;D

4
LET'S TALK LOVE / How would you define love?
« on: July 31, 2010, 07:07:05 pm »
How would you define love?

"When you fall in-love, it is a temporary madness.  It erupts like an earthquake and then it subsides.  And when it subsides, you have to make a decision..........you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should be apart..........because that is what love is.  Love is not breathlessness...........it is not excitement...........it is not a desire to make every second of the day, to lie awake at night imagining that every part of your body is being kissed.  That's just being in-love.........which any of us can convince ourselves.  Love itself is what is left-over when being in-love has burned away."  ("Captain Corelli's Mandolin", novel by Louis De Bierneres)    ;) :) 8)

5
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Mexican Delicacy
« on: October 11, 2009, 04:16:41 pm »
Mexican Delicacy
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,
the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter
and said,

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes
the bull wins."  Yikes!!

6
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Be Careful What You Wish For
« on: October 11, 2009, 04:12:23 pm »
The Husband's Wish
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.  He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.  
Then it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.  Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.  
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

7
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Ang Gamit ng Kandila
« on: October 11, 2009, 04:06:59 pm »
Pag dating ni Lando sa bahay, sabi ni Tekya, ang asawa niya,
"Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko
lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka
mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."
Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco.
Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan."
"Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Tekya.
"Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng
taga-Meralco.
"Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"
Sa sumunod na araw, si Lando ay dumating galit na
galit sa counter ng Meralco.
"Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang
misis ko?
"Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa
records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang
empleyado.
"Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Lando.
"Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado.
"Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?"
"Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila di ba?"

8
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Only If You Know Tagalog
« on: October 11, 2009, 03:33:38 pm »
 Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.
 Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
 Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
 BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
 GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, Magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
 BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama Ko kanina ang niloloko ko!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
 Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
 Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 A lizard fell on a table.
 Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
 Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
 Astig: s*%$, butiki!;
 Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
 Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
 Mahirap: Pare, ulam!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
 Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
 Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
 Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo, fit masyado, di ba?
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!
 Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?
 Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula ngayon, huwag mo na akong
tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
 Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
 Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle
 Ice Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 A priest at a church.
 Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
 Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
 Takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
 Juan: Maniwala ako?!
 Pedro: Totoo!
 Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
 Pedro: Asin!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Nurse: Miss, gising na!
 Patient: Ah, bakit?
 Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
 Patient: Anong gamot?
 Nurse: Sleeping pills.
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.
 Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.
 Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.
 Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
 Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
 Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
 Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!>
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Erap at Starbucks.
 Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
 Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
 Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
 Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
Sa prusisyon.
Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni Mama   Mary.
Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
 Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
 Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
 Inay: Bakit naman?
 Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
 Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?
 Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
 SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
 TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!
 
 ************************************************************************
 
 Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.
 Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.
 
 ************************************************************************
 Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
 Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
 Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
 Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!
 ************************************************************************
 
 May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!
 
 ************************************************************************

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote ng juice.
Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

9
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Control yourself!! Don't laugh too much!!
« on: August 16, 2009, 12:10:02 am »
Benefits of brushing your teeth
Losing your teeth will lessen your sexual drive. According to chinese:
              "Pak ikaw wala ipen, Wala kan tooth!"
                 (Kaya always brush your teeth!)

**********************************************************************************************************

Ms.Tapia:   OK CLASS " Use parachute in a sentence?
Tikboy:   Ma'am, Ma'am, Ma'am ako po.
Ms.Tapia:   O ikaw Tikboy
Tikboy:   Neneng huwag kang malikot PARA SYUT.
                            (hahaha.....haha ....)

**********************************************************************************************************

DEDE
 MA 'AM:   inday! si junior pinadede mo na ba?
 INDAY:   opo!!!
 MA 'AM:   eh ang sir mo pinaghanda mo na ba ng pagkain!!!!! !
 INDAY:   ayaw pong kumain.. PINADEDE KO NA DIN PO!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

**********************************************************************************************************

PANTY COLORS and what they mean… what color is yours?
     White:  Calm
     Red:  Wild
     Blue:  Romantic
     Pink:  Sweet
     Black:  Sexy
     Dark Brown:   Dapat nang labhan!

**********************************************************************************************************

Mighty Bond
  Anak:  Tanghali na, bakit ayaw pang lumabas sa kuwarto sina mama at papa?
  Inday:  Ewan. Kagabi, humingi sila ng PETROLEUM JELLY, pero ang naibigay ko,  
                    MIGHTY BOND!

**********************************************************************************************************

Ipasok mo na Love...
       Luv.. Luv.. Luv..
  Ipasok mo na.. Cge na.. Blisan mo!
         Bilis! basa na.. basang-basa na...
Ipasok mo na.. Ipasok mo na..
      ang mga SINAMPAY
  lakas ng ulan e...

**********************************************************************************************************

Mahal Ako Ni Tatay

   ANAK:  tay! sino mas mahal mo, ako o si nanay?
   TATAY:   syempre ikaw anak.....
   ANAK:  kaya pala kapag madaling araw, ako po ay kinukumutan niyo
                        at si nanay naman po ay hinuhubaran niyo......
                   sweet nyo talaga tay, ay lab u....

**********************************************************************************************************

Noon at Ngayon
  Noon, ang mga ikinakasal hinihintay muna ang kabilugan ng buwan bago ikasal.
  Ngayon, hinihintay muna... ang kabilugan ng tiyan bago ikinakasal..

**********************************************************************************************************

ASO
may mag ama..mAg kaharap sila sa lamesa habang kumakain..
Umotot ung ama...naamoy naman ng bata na mabaho..
tapos dumaan naman ung ASO nakita ng bata..ang sabi ng bata TARANTADONG ASONG ITO DITO PA UMOTOT
Narinig naman ng ama ..sabi ng ama sa bata..anung sinabi mo...inaaso aso mo na lang ako ha....sabay binatukan ang anak..

**********************************************************************************************************

Nood Sine
 Lalake:  hon nood tayo sine.
 Babae:  so, di ka maghalik? dika mang akbay?di ka manghipo ng pipi?
 Lalake:  di ah!!!!
 Babae:  ngek!!!kaw nalang nood sine!!!!!!
                Toink..hehehe

**********************************************************************************************************

Small Deal
  Director:  Bakit ayaw mong makipagsayaw nang sweet sa leading man mo?
  Actress:     Syempre po, pag sweet, madidikit ang harap niya sa harapan ko.
  Director:  Big deal ba `yon?
  Actress:     Kaso po, small deal lang siya, eh!

**********************************************************************************************************

Bad Ang Yosi
Ang sumira sa pagkadalaga ni Kris ay isang brand ng yosi = Philip....
Ang sumira din sa relation ni kris at james ay isang yosi din = Hope......
Yang ang kuwentong yosi....
Abangan..... .. darating ba si Winston???
Pero sa lahat ng yosi walang tatalo sa nagbigay kamo ng STD.... si TSONG-ki...wahahaha haha...
Kaya nga goverment warning is dangerous to your health....

**********************************************************************************************************

Lolo at Lola
Namatay ang Lolo ni Mario kaya't pumunta agad sa bahay nila. Tinanong ang Lola kung ano ang dahilan ng pagkamatay.

  Lola:  Na heart attack ang Lolo mo habang nag-sex kami noong linggo ng umaga.
  Mario:  Lola, hindi niyo ba alam na masama sa 2 matandang mag-sex lalo na sa edad
                       na 100 years old.
  Lola:  Naku anak, mayroon kaming 'rhythm' na sinusundan pag tumunog ang kampana
                    ng simbahan. Dahil mabagal ang Ding-Dong, halos walang stress at konting
                            pagod lang. Pag Ding, pasok ang Lolo mo, pag-Dong, bubunutin niya.
  Mario:  Lola, kung ganoon ang ginagawa niyo, bakit namatay pa rin ang Lolo?
  Lola:  Ang Hayop na Sorbetero, napadaan sa bahay namin at kiriring ng kiriring kaya
               napabilis ang Lolo mo.

**********************************************************************************************************

Rape
  Misis:  Honey, pag may manre-rape sa akin, ipagtatanggol mo ba ako kahit mamatay
                      ka?
  Mister:  Oo naman.
  Misis:  Paano kung dalawa sila?
  Mister:  Kahit pa!
  Misis:  Paano kung tatlo o apat sila?
  Mister:  Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo… ang mamatay ako o ang ma-rape ka?!

**********************************************************************************************************

Inday:  Ma'am, may tumawag hong babae rito, hinahanap si sir.
Ma'am:  Sino raw?
Inday:  Ayaw hong ibigay ang pangalan. Baka kulasisi ni sir?
Ma'am:  Tanga! `Yun ang asawa niya!

10
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Tawa lang ng tawa!!
« on: July 26, 2009, 02:57:30 pm »
Warning: Patnubay ng magulang ay kailangan.
 
TITSER:  ang pangit naman ng name mo. Conrado Domingo!
                    in short CONDOM! :o :-[
PUPIL:    Ok lang po yun Maam! Kaysa naman po sa asawa
                    niyo.  Supremo Potenciano!  In short SUPOT!  ;D

**********************************************************************************************************
 
MOKONG:    Andoy, balita ko hiwalay na kayo ng gf mo?  :(
ANDOY:      Oo pare,pakiramdam ko balak maging Astronaut eh.
MOKONG:    Pano mo naman nasabi?
ANDOY:    Kasi lagi niyang sinasabi... I NEED SPACE!  ???
 
**********************************************************************************************************
 
 A lady was married 3 times, was widowed 3 times and had 30  kids. At her wake....
PRIEST:   At last they're finally together.
FRIEND:   With which husband father?
PRIEST:    Uh, i mean her LEGS!  ;D
 
**********************************************************************************************************
 
ANAK:    'tay, totoo po bang may multo?
TATAY:  anak, walang multo, kathang isip lang mga yan. Eh
                         bakit mo naman naitanong?
ANAK:    sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo.
TATAY:    anak, langya ka lumapit ka dito sa tabi ko. Huwag
                          kang magbibiro ng ganyan.........ala tayong yaya. (ahoooo!) :o :o

**********************************************************************************************************
 
Mga pagbabago...
      Noon, pag maganda ligawan mo na agad,
      Ngayon, pag maganda titigan mo muna maigi baka bakla, ???
      Noon, konti lang ang lalaking guwapo,
      Ngayon, konting guwapo lang ang tunay na lalaki,
      Noon, pag guwapo babaero,
      Ngayon, pati mga panget babaero na din! :o :o (putris)
 
**********************************************************************************************************
 
Court scene...
      LAWYER 1:  You idiot, @$$ho!e! >:(
      LAWYER 2:    Tanga ka, gago! >:(
      JUDGE:  As both parties have been properly identified, we may now proceed with
                             the case!  (tok tok)

**********************************************************************************************************
 
LOLO:   Hay buhay. Noong araw sa SM pay may P20 ako, pag uwi ko meron akong polo,
                    maong, brip, tshirt, panyo, medyas, may sinturon pa.
APO:   Eh ngayon po lolo?
LOLO:   Mahirap na apo, may surveillance camera na SM!
                   (haay, very depressing :()
               
**********************************************************************************************************
 
GIRL:  Pa'no ko po ba malalaman kung sex maniac ako? :-[
DOC:   Ay madali lang yan iha,  May mga test tayong  gagawin pero una sa lahat.
              Bitiwan mo muna ang !t1og ko kasi nakikiliti ako eh. ;D ;D

**********************************************************************************************************
 
The Philippines is over populated because:
          --  ayaw ng birth control
          -- walang death penalty
          --  dami jobless kaya babad kama
           --  dami lasing kaya lahat ng misis maganda. (sus kaya pala) ;D ;D
 
**********************************************************************************************************
 
Anak galing sa school.
  ANAK:  'Tay, kasali po ako sa aming school drama. Ang role
                                ko po ay "husband".
   TATAY:  Malas mo naman, anak. Wala kang speaking part.
                               (mahaba na ang yes dear)
 
***********************************************************************************************************
 
GF:   Uy taguan tayo.
BF:    Sige ba! Ano premyo ko pag nahanap kita?
GF:   Hi hi hi. Sex tayo. :-[
BF:     Uy, wow! Eh pano pag di kita nahanap?
GF:   Eeeeii! Kainis 'to. Basta nasa likod lang ako ng drum. ;D ;D
 
*********************************************************************************************************
 

HOLDAPER:  Akina ang pera mo! >:(
LALAKI:    Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?  Congressman ako!! >:(
HOLDAPER:  O sige. akina ang pera namin!
 
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DIVORCED FATHER:   Anak pag uwi mo ibigay mo sa nanay mo
                     itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 ka na.  Huling cheke
                         na makukuha niya for the child support tapos tignan mo kung ano
                              expression ng face niya.
ANAK:   Mommy, sabi ni dad bigay ko  daw sa iyo itong cheke, last support na
                         Niya ito sa akin kasi 18 na ko. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng
                                      face mo.
MOMMY:   Anak, sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta
                        kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tingnan mo expression face niya.     
                                    (aray!) :o :o
 
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LOLA:   Ineng, may manliligaw ka na ba?
APO:    Marami na po sila Lola. :-[
LOLA:     Aba eh, may napipisil ka na ba sa kanila Ineng?
APO:   T!t! pa lang po nila Lola, ayaw po ipapisil yung !t1og nila, masakit daw. :o ;D
 
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Boy:   Dear, before we get married I want you to know that my d!(k is like an infant. :-[
Girl:     Ok lang. I still love you kahit ganyan iyan. (very sympathetic and
                   naka embrace pa)
 
 During their honeymoon. ;D
 
Girl:   'Naaay ko pong mahabagin susmaryosep!  tatay ko!  Anlaki! :o :o
                  Akala ko ba parang infant?
Boy:    Parang infant nga. 8lbs, 3oz, 12 inches. (katakot o kasarap?)
 
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 Pasosyal na girl sa bus.
    GIRL:   Mameng kowndakter, can u meyk get my  luggage pleeasee?
                    It's medjow sow heyvee keysi.
    KONDUKTOR:    Alin dito Miss?
    GIRL:    Uhmm.. dat wan ober deyr oh, The  SAKO! ;D ;D
 
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 Sa confessional box.
    SEXY:   Father, kasalanan ba ang di pag suot ng panty? :-[
    FR:   Of course lalo na pag naka skirt lang
                        ang isang babae.
    SEXY:     Pano po yan, wala akong suot na panty
                               ngayon naka mini pa ako? :o :-[
    FR:   Ah Uhrrm uhrmm!  For your penance,
                   magtambling ka ng 10x papuntang altar,  mag headstand ka ng
                        10 minutes, tapos babasbasan kita ng holy water ko! ;D ;D
                          (Amen!)
 
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 MAG ASAWANG NAG AAWAY.
         BABAE:   Punyeta ka! >:(
         LALAKI:      Punyeta ka din! >:(
         BABAE:   Tarantado! >:(
         LALAKI:      Tarantado ka rin! >:(
         BABAE:    SUPOT! >:( :o
        LALAKI:       Sorry na kasi.. ;D ;D
 
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Restorant sa Ongpin.
      Customer 1:    Hot tea
       Customer 2:    Ako rin hot tea ha. Make sure malinis baso ha.
 
After a while.
       Waiter:    Ang order niyo 2 hot tea. Kanino nga yung malinis ang baso? (Eeew!) ;D ;D
 
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Reporter:    what's the world's no. 1 shampoo?
Pacquiao:      HIDDEN SOLDIERS (head and shoulders) ;D ;D
 
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 NOON.........
           "Hindi lahat ng magsyota naghahalikan"
 
NGAYON.........
             "Hindi lahat ng naghahalikan magsyota" :o :o
 
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 A burglar broke into Malacanang & into the room of GMA
 & FG.. The First Couple froze in silence. Suddenly, the
 burglar panicked and ran away screaming......... "MAGNANAKAW,
 MAGNANAKAW!!"

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