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Topics - devildawg

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21
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Parental Wisdom At Its Best - Pinoy Style
« on: April 25, 2009, 09:33:00 PM »
Parental Wisdom At Its Best - Pinoy Style (this is a joke – huwag damdamin)

Para sa mga ulirang magulang at magiging magulang balang araw . . . Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE :  "Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:  "Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC :  "Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:  "Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:  "Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM :  "Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa a! kin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:  "Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:  "Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin n! i Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:  "Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:  " ! Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:  "Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY :  Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION :  "Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING:  "Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng DETERMINATION:  "Hanapin mo yung pinahahanap ko sa ! iyo, pag di mo nahanap, makikita mo!"

16. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:  "Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

17. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE :  "Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"

22
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Scrabble and Unscrabble
« on: April 05, 2009, 09:27:00 PM »
Scrabble and Unscrabble


This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

 

23
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / NIGHTMARES!!
« on: March 30, 2009, 02:46:37 AM »
 
NIGHTMARES


Nightmare #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled  out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.  Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.  Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. 
 

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. 

 

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. 

 

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. 

 

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.


Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."



Nightmare #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.  One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh I know."


He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.  Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.


Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.  When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.


He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"


She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."



Nightmare #3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.  As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.


With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"


Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"


"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

 

"No, please.  Can you imagine if we get caught?"


"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

 

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"


No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"


"Oh yes you can. Please?"

 

"No, no. I just can't"

 

"I'm begging you ... "

 

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she  says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a fellatio, or I can do it.  Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.  But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
 

24
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Doctor's Opinion (healtwise)
« on: March 29, 2009, 07:44:02 PM »

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? (This one's for the guys)
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also
made out of grain.
Bottoms up!!!!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? (This one's for the gals)
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO!!!!  Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me..

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets..

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other
- body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO,
What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

25
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Iba ang pinoy!! (part 3)
« on: March 24, 2009, 02:19:09 AM »

Mr: Kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di
        nakakatipid sana tayo ng P2,000.00 sa maid.
Mrs: Hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama , eh di
        nakatipid tayo ng P7,500.00 sa driver!

**********************************************************
 
Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli
        yan ni yaya!

**********************************************************
 
A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....

Baby: Does this mean I'm an angel??

Fairy laughs....

Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa!
         Paniki ka!

**********************************************************
 
Nanay: Anak, hindi ka ba nahihiya??! linis ako nang linis dito
            tapos ikaw, naglalaro lang dyan?!!
Anak: Nay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako ang
            naglilinis dyan at ikaw ang naglalaro dito?? toink...

**********************************************************
 
In a petshop...

Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can u
            speak? BOBO!'....
Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can u fly, ha? Can u fly?
            GAGO!

**********************************************************
 
Ama: May taning na buhay ko. Pag ako'y namatay wag
          niyo ibenta yung lupa sa likod ng bahay...
Anak: Din naman atin yun Ama..
Ama: Kaya nga wag mo ibenta dahil hindi atin yun!!

**********************************************************
 
Bigo sa pag-ibig??
Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - Mapagkumbaba
PILAY - Di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - Wala paki sa looks
PIPI - Di nagbibitiw ng bad words.

At eto the best....
DULING - Di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

**********************************************************
 
Magkaibigan kumakain...

Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!
          Chess yan.. CHESS!!

**********************************************************
 
Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??... ..
E di matapang!! c'',)

**********************************************************
 
Baliw1: Bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa
            lupa?? Bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!

**********************************************************
 
Baliw sa Mental nagkukuwentuhan. ..

Baliw1: Ako presidente dito!
Baliw2: Wala ka sa akin! ako si Bush, Presidente sa  America !
Baliw1: Sino nagsabi?
Baliw2: Ang Diyos!
Baliw3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

**********************************************************

Prof: Who among you experienced having sex with a ghost??

Juan raised his hand...

Prof: Really?? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

**********************************************************
 
Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??..... .........
A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..Nyahaha!!

**********************************************************

Teacher: Jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po!
Teacher: Sa 2?
Jigs: 3 po!
Teacher: Ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: Tatay ko po!
Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10?
Jigs: Jack po!

**********************************************************
 
Nasa bubong ang sakristan, namboboso sa pari at madre.....

Madre: Pano pag nabuntis ako??
Pari: Bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan: 'Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang naman ako ah!

26
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Iba ang Pinoy!! (part 2 - for the tagalog-impaired)
« on: March 23, 2009, 05:10:21 AM »
This one is for those of you guys who don't understand pinoy lingo.

Telecom History

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing.  They have  concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology ".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Iba ang PINOY!!!!!
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.  One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
 
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What?! You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??"

"Isi, ser." the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?

A. In the U.S., they go to jail.  In the Philippines, they go to the U.S.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?

A. Cory can`t tell a lie
  Gloria can`t tell the truth
  Erap can`t tell the difference


27
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Iba ang pinoy (part 1)!!
« on: March 23, 2009, 04:55:38 AM »
Here's one that might redeem myself from my reply to tart's post.


REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

*************************************************************

Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano.

ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod   tayo!"

*************************************************************

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang   lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

*************************************************************

ANG NAKARAAN.... 
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?

DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang result

ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!

**************************************************************

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT:  Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

**************************************************************

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell.

**************************************************************

ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"

***************************************************************

PROMDI (prom di province): Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang
           kwarto ko?  Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

***************************************************************

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

***************************************************************

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya   ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba
                    ang bilog?

***************************************************************

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method.  Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

***************************************************************

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime:  Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

***************************************************************

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...

Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino?  Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko
              ha.  Kuyaaahhh Ambet!!!!

***************************************************************

Eliseo:  Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme
             ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga!  Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" etcetera..........etcetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"


28
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / Battle of the Brainless
« on: March 23, 2009, 03:08:42 AM »
Host: What "N" (Narra) is the national tree of the Philippines ?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito ( Rizal Park ).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan nito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines ?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia ?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ay! an na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

One more, dagdag:
Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines ?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa! 

29
FUN GAMES WITH YOUR FRIENDS / MedRep blues (konti tawa muna)
« on: March 22, 2009, 03:57:46 PM »

 Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with  the
 newspaper, asking for the price for an obituary ad...
 
Ad taker: It's 300 pesos for five words
Mrs.Tanoy: Puwede ba two words lang? Ganito, "TANOY DEAD"
Ad  taker: Ay, ma'am five words po ang minimum
Mrs.Tanoy: Hm... ok pakilagay mo, "TANOY DEAD, COROLLA FOR SALE".

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
 
 Pedro:  Nay may ulam ba?
 Nanay:  Tingnan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak
 Pedro:  Eh wala naman tayong ref ah
Nanay:  O, eh di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan anak!

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 Caloy:  Itay, di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 kapag pumasa ako sa Math?
 Tatay:  Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba anak?
 Caloy:  Good news, itay! Nakatipid ka ng P100!

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 Man  at 33 quits smoking: Will Power!
 Man  at 43, quits drinking: Will Power!
 Man  at 53, quits gambling: Will Power!
 Man  at 63, quits having sex: Power Failure!

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow ng mang-gow?
 Tindero:  One way
Kano:  Meg-kanow?
Tindero:  I said ONE WAY
 Kano:   Ay-nowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero:  Isang daan. Understang?

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Erap:  Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganyan kataba!
Loi:  Oo nga! Saan ba galing ang balitang yan?
Erap:  Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi, 'British tourist lost 2000 pounds.'

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

MMDA  (holding pen and traffic ticket, speaking to a traffic violator): Name?
Driver (Foreigner):  Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz
 MMDA: Oh. Okay (sabay tago ng ticket). Next time, just be careful, okay?

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

BF:  Susunduin kita mamaya ha? Bubusina na lang ako kapag nasa harap na
            akong bahay  ninyo
GF:  Okay! Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?
BF:  Wala. Busina lang

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 Nag-apply  si Tomas bilang security guard...

Interviewer:  Ang kailangan namin ay isang taong laging may suspicious
             mind, highly alert,  insistent personality, strong sense of hearing, and with a
             killer instinct.  Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Tomas:  Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pero pwede po bang yung misis ko na lang
             ang mag-apply?

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 Always  remember, when SHE cancels a date, it's because she HAS TO.
 But when HE  cancels a date, it's because he HAS TWO!

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 Junior:  Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE
Nanay:  Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE!
Junior:  Ok 'nay, whatever. Pahingi na lang po ng barya
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka lang diyan sa SOLDIER BAG ko

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Pasyente: Magkano ang facelift?
 Doktora:  Complete treatment po ay P145,000
Pasyente: Ang mahal naman! Ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha
                        akong  bata?
Doktora:  Heto tsupon, P20 lang

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 Customer:  Waiter! bakit ang tagal naman ng order ko? Ilan ba ang cook
                  ninyo  dito?
 Waiter:   Ay sir, wala pu kame cuk dito. Pipse lang po.

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Pasyente: Dok, may problema ako. Tuwing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako
Doktor:  So, anong problema doon?
Pasyente:  Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising e

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

 A  lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection. With his
 urge  to get into the thick crowd and witness the action, he shouted:
            "MAKE WAY ! I'M THE SON OF THE VICTIM!"
 
Upon  hearing this, the people made way for him to get through. There he
 saw, bloody and helpless, lying in front of the crowd, a huge pig ran  over by a
 trailer truck.

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Erap:  Honey, nagpintura ako ng banyo
Loi:   Bakit dalawa ang suot mong jacket? Ang init!
Erap:  Sabi  kasi sa label ng pintura, for best results put on two coats

 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Reporter:  Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na?
Manny:  Ano'ng bill? Yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawat round sa bukseng?
 
 ************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Lola:  Amang, wala akong pera!
Holdaper:  Alam ko kung nasaan ang pera mo! (sabay pasok ng kamay sa bra ni
                      lola)
Lola:  Ituloy mo pa iho, may dollars dyan sa ibaba!

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