Like it or not, you are going to end up in an argument with your partner, whether it is nitpicking over the smallest details or arguing over a serious disagreement. The problem with that? You may let your guard down, fight dirty, and end up saying or doing something that you will regret. So before you step into the no-way-back zone of name calling, cheap shots, and dirty tricks, here are five pointers on how you can fight fair.
1. Leave that ego behind
Everyone likes the idea of being right. Unfortunately, if you constantly need to be in that position, then you have a problem—your ego.
Writes Dr. Teesha Morgan, relationship counselor and sex therapist in an article for Chatelaine magazine at ivillage, "If you are constantly fighting to win, you are putting your need to be right ahead of your relationship and your partner's feelings. The short feeling of vindication you get when you're 'right' pales in comparison to the feeling of being in a healthy, stable relationship, where you are both communicating openly and honestly and growing together because of it."
Our suggestion? Check your ego at the door. Listen to what your partner has to say first before you form your own judgment and decide that he was wrong in the first place. And should you be the party to blame, let down your pride and say sorry.
2. Don't confront
It is often the first thing we do when faced in a stressful situation like a fight—confront. What it really sounds like is bad communication, especially when we say things like, "You don't care about my feelings", "You are never around when I need you," or even "Who was that girl you were talking to?"
When we confront, our partner automatically puts up his defense mode to talk his way out of the situation. This not only frustrates you but really, doesn't bring the fight anywhere except to even more confrontations.
Writes Morgan in the same ivillage article, "Speak in a non-confrontational manner. To do this, start by sharing a physical feeling and/or an emotion, then share the thoughts that inspired those feelings, then share a fact you know to be true, and finally state what you want. Good communication would look something like, 'I feel sick to my stomach and worried when I don't hear from you late at night. I tried to call you three times but you didn't answer. I would like it if you could check in with me when you're going to be late so I don't worry as much.' And not, 'What happened to you, you made me worried sick. Don't you care how I feel?'"
3. Pick your battles right
We said it once and we'll say it again—every couple fights. But do you really need to make everything you disagree about into a major argument? The answer is a simple no.
"You don't have to address every injustice or irritation that comes along," says Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships in an article for Real Simple. So before you turn your spat into a screaming match, ask yourself this question: Is it worth it? Do you really need to argue each time he leaves his socks on the floor? Chances are probably not.
4. Take a break
Can't find a solution? Argument getting out of hand? Take a break, says James Córdova, Ph.D. and author of The Marriage Checkup. In a Woman's Day interview, he says, "When you're physiologically wound up, it's virtually impossible to fight productively or fairly."
The break should be long enough to help you cool down and think straight (45 minutes is ideal), but not too long that you sweep it under the rug, only to come back and fight about it all over again. "Don't use cool downs to retreat completely from the fight; you have to promise to come back to it later.
5. Be mindful
By this we mean be mindful of your voice, the words you choose to use as well as your body language.
Shares Alisa Bowman, author of Project Happily Ever After, in an interview with Glamour, a softer voice makes your spouse strain so he can hear you better, which means he is paying more attention, while a louder voice pushes him into defensive mode instantly. The less words you use, the more likely it is that he heard every single word. Also, Bowman advises to use positive body language, like uncrossing your arms, touching him on his arm lightly, and smiling. All these will help your partner relax and meet you in the middle ground.
Beauty Talk asks: When you fight or ague with your spouse or partner, what do you do so you don't end up in an ugly confrontation? Do you have your own rules you live by to fight fairly?