Warning: Patnubay ng magulang ay kailangan.
TITSER: ang pangit naman ng name mo. Conrado Domingo!
in short CONDOM!
PUPIL: Ok lang po yun Maam! Kaysa naman po sa asawa
niyo. Supremo Potenciano! In short SUPOT!
********************************************************************************************************** MOKONG: Andoy, balita ko hiwalay na kayo ng gf mo?
ANDOY: Oo pare,pakiramdam ko balak maging Astronaut eh.
MOKONG: Pano mo naman nasabi?
ANDOY: Kasi lagi niyang sinasabi... I NEED SPACE!
********************************************************************************************************** A lady was married 3 times, was widowed 3 times and had 30 kids. At her wake....
PRIEST: At last they're finally together.
FRIEND: With which husband father?
PRIEST: Uh, i mean her LEGS!
********************************************************************************************************** ANAK: 'tay, totoo po bang may multo?
TATAY: anak, walang multo, kathang isip lang mga yan. Eh
bakit mo naman naitanong?
ANAK: sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo.
TATAY: anak, langya ka lumapit ka dito sa tabi ko. Huwag
kang magbibiro ng ganyan.........ala tayong yaya. (ahoooo!)
********************************************************************************************************** Mga pagbabago... Noon, pag maganda ligawan mo na agad,
Ngayon, pag maganda titigan mo muna maigi baka bakla,
Noon, konti lang ang lalaking guwapo,
Ngayon, konting guwapo lang ang tunay na lalaki,
Noon, pag guwapo babaero,
Ngayon, pati mga panget babaero na din!
(putris)
********************************************************************************************************** Court scene...
LAWYER 1: You idiot, @$$ho!e!
LAWYER 2: Tanga ka, gago!
JUDGE: As both parties have been properly identified, we may now proceed with
the case! (tok tok)
********************************************************************************************************** LOLO: Hay buhay. Noong araw sa SM pay may P20 ako, pag uwi ko meron akong polo,
maong, brip, tshirt, panyo, medyas, may sinturon pa.
APO: Eh ngayon po lolo?
LOLO: Mahirap na apo, may surveillance camera na SM!
(haay, very depressing
)
********************************************************************************************************** GIRL: Pa'no ko po ba malalaman kung sex maniac ako?
DOC: Ay madali lang yan iha, May mga test tayong gagawin pero una sa lahat.
Bitiwan mo muna ang !t1og ko kasi nakikiliti ako eh.
********************************************************************************************************** The Philippines is over populated because: -- ayaw ng birth control
-- walang death penalty
-- dami jobless kaya babad kama
-- dami lasing kaya lahat ng misis maganda. (sus kaya pala)
********************************************************************************************************** Anak galing sa school.
ANAK: 'Tay, kasali po ako sa aming school drama. Ang role
ko po ay "husband".
TATAY: Malas mo naman, anak. Wala kang speaking part.
(mahaba na ang yes dear)
*********************************************************************************************************** GF: Uy taguan tayo.
BF: Sige ba! Ano premyo ko pag nahanap kita?
GF: Hi hi hi. Sex tayo.
BF: Uy, wow! Eh pano pag di kita nahanap?
GF: Eeeeii! Kainis 'to. Basta nasa likod lang ako ng drum.
*********************************************************************************************************
HOLDAPER: Akina ang pera mo!
LALAKI: Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Congressman ako!!
HOLDAPER: O sige. akina ang pera namin!
********************************************************************************************************* DIVORCED FATHER: Anak pag uwi mo ibigay mo sa nanay mo
itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 ka na. Huling cheke
na makukuha niya for the child support tapos tignan mo kung ano
expression ng face niya.
ANAK: Mommy, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sa iyo itong cheke, last support na
Niya ito sa akin kasi 18 na ko. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng
face mo.
MOMMY: Anak, sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta
kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tingnan mo expression face niya.
(aray!)
********************************************************************************************************* LOLA: Ineng, may manliligaw ka na ba?
APO: Marami na po sila Lola.
LOLA: Aba eh, may napipisil ka na ba sa kanila Ineng?
APO: T!t! pa lang po nila Lola, ayaw po ipapisil yung !t1og nila, masakit daw.
********************************************************************************************************* Boy: Dear, before we get married I want you to know that my d!(k is like an infant.
Girl: Ok lang. I still love you kahit ganyan iyan. (very sympathetic and
naka embrace pa)
During their honeymoon. Girl: 'Naaay ko pong mahabagin susmaryosep! tatay ko! Anlaki!
Akala ko ba parang infant?
Boy: Parang infant nga. 8lbs, 3oz, 12 inches. (katakot o kasarap?)
********************************************************************************************************* Pasosyal na girl sa bus.
GIRL: Mameng kowndakter, can u meyk get my luggage pleeasee?
It's medjow sow heyvee keysi.
KONDUKTOR: Alin dito Miss?
GIRL: Uhmm.. dat wan ober deyr oh, The SAKO!
********************************************************************************************************* Sa confessional box.
SEXY: Father, kasalanan ba ang di pag suot ng panty?
FR: Of course lalo na pag naka skirt lang
ang isang babae.
SEXY: Pano po yan, wala akong suot na panty
ngayon naka mini pa ako?
FR: Ah Uhrrm uhrmm! For your penance,
magtambling ka ng 10x papuntang altar, mag headstand ka ng
10 minutes, tapos babasbasan kita ng holy water ko!
(Amen!)
********************************************************************************************************* MAG ASAWANG NAG AAWAY.
BABAE: Punyeta ka!
LALAKI: Punyeta ka din!
BABAE: Tarantado!
LALAKI: Tarantado ka rin!
BABAE: SUPOT!
LALAKI: Sorry na kasi..
*********************************************************************************************************
Restorant sa Ongpin.
Customer 1: Hot tea
Customer 2: Ako rin hot tea ha. Make sure malinis baso ha.
After a while.
Waiter: Ang order niyo 2 hot tea. Kanino nga yung malinis ang baso? (Eeew!)
********************************************************************************************************* Reporter: what's the world's no. 1 shampoo?
Pacquiao: HIDDEN SOLDIERS (head and shoulders)
********************************************************************************************************* NOON......... "Hindi lahat ng magsyota naghahalikan"
NGAYON......... "Hindi lahat ng naghahalikan magsyota"
********************************************************************************************************* A burglar broke into Malacanang & into the room of GMA
& FG.. The First Couple froze in silence. Suddenly, the
burglar panicked and ran away screaming......... "MAGNANAKAW,
MAGNANAKAW!!"