Jokes Galore

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juan

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Heart Attack
« Reply #200 on: May 15, 2013, 07:46:50 PM »
A wife came home unexpectedly 'coz got a phone call from 8-yr-old son that something strange is going on in the house.
Son met her at the door.
Son: Auntie Liz is hiding in the wardrobe.
Wife went upstairs to the master bedroom and saw her husband lying in bed naked.
Husband: I'm having a heart attack!
Wife open the wardrobe and saw her sister Liz - also stark naked!
Wife: You @#£%&! My husband is having a heart attack and you're just playing hide-and-seek with my son! ;D ;)

"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

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juan

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Does God exist?
« Reply #201 on: May 20, 2013, 09:48:25 PM »
Priest: Do you believe that God exists?
Juan: yes.
Priest: why?
Juan: because if I believe that God exists and God happens not  to exist, I have nothing to lose.
But if I don't believe that God exists and God happens to exist, I'll be in deep trouble when the Day of Reckoning comes. ;D ;)
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

j

juan

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Never cheated on my marriage.
« Reply #202 on: May 20, 2013, 10:03:30 PM »
Not that me's an angel or a sainthood aspirant. In fact have committed every sin found in the Good Book - except cheating on my marriage.
Why so? So that when the Day of Reckoning comes and the Great Judge will ask me, "Give me one good reason that I should take you to heaven with me"?
My answer will be, "I did not cheat on my marriage, my Lord". Makalusot ko. ;D ;)
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

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OMG

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Re: Jokes Galore
« Reply #203 on: May 20, 2013, 11:17:50 PM »
some really good jokes from Juan, thanks

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juan

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Re: Jokes Galore
« Reply #204 on: May 21, 2013, 01:40:23 PM »
Not that me's an angel or a sainthood aspirant. In fact have committed every sin found in the Good Book - except cheating on my marriage.
Why so? So that when the Day of Reckoning comes and the Great Judge will ask me, "Give me one good reason that I should take you to heaven with me"?
My answer will be, "I did not cheat on my marriage, my Lord". Makalusot ko. ;D ;)
Seriously, didn't cheat on my marriage 'coz believe in the sanctity of the marriage covenant. In the end, it was the other way around. She left me for a young prick. Rather, she threw me out of the matrimonial home and replaced me by a young prick. Hehe  :) ;)
Goes without saying that old carabaos (m&f) eat young grass. ;D ;)
« Last Edit: May 21, 2013, 01:41:32 PM by juan »
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

j

juan

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Santa and Little Johnny
« Reply #205 on: August 25, 2013, 08:43:07 PM »
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."  :) ;)
- anonymous
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

j

juan

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20 years' misery X2!!!!!
« Reply #206 on: August 25, 2013, 08:49:02 PM »
I'll never forget the last words my ex girlfriend said to me.
"It's twins." :( ;D ;)
- anonymous
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

j

juan

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Re: Jokes Galore
« Reply #207 on: October 07, 2013, 08:16:55 PM »
Seen that western movie "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"?

Never quite sure exactly who I identify with, though. Many insist it's the ugly. Before, gave me that strong inferiority complex.

'Til I realised it's really an asset. How? Makes a sheila want to be seen with me. Why? Makes her look more beautiful.

Actually, it's Einstein's theory of relativity:
a) if both are equally good looking, people's eyes will be spread to both;
b) if the boy is more good looking relative to the girl, people's eyes will focus on the boy. Makes the girl look uglier;
c) if the girl is more good looking relative to the boy, people's eyes will focus on the girl. Makes the girl look prettier.

Hence, the more unattractive the boy, the more attractive the girl becomes.


_____
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But a beholder's view can be manipulated. The uglier the man is, the prettier the girl looks.

Girls, the moral is, .....
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Don’t choose handsome husband for your life,
‘coz to my personal point of view,
Get an ugly man to marry you.
:) ;)
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.

*

wardiflex

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Re: Jokes Galore
« Reply #208 on: October 07, 2013, 08:20:02 PM »
Little Johnny wrote: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!"
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother ..."  :) ;)
- anonymous


hahaha send her to me, santa is busy...
« Last Edit: October 07, 2013, 08:20:39 PM by wardiflex »
kinsa tong mag pa pintal sa ilang balay etc., just inform me, naa koy kaila nga d best.09487352092

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juan

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"Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. (Unknown)" :D ;)
"true love is life's best treasure.
wealth and fame may pass away,
bring no joy or lasting pleasure.
true love abides all way.
through the world i'll gladly go,
if one true love i know."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________
Everyone, who came into my world, left footprints in my heart. Some, so faint, I can hardly detect them. Others, so clear, I can easily discern them. Regardless, they all influenced me. They all made me who I am.